Suppose for the sake of argument that you found yourself endowed with a few extra pounds on your ass, which you’re certain has nothing to do with the fact that you started eating sugar and glutens again during the holiday season (in 2008) and everything to do with God’s plan to dole out retribution. Why would God seek vengeance on someone’s posterior region when there are so many other regions in the world in need of his loving attention? I'll share my theory. Because last year someone may or may not have noticed that someone else’s ass had gotten bigger. (The someone else happens to have a disagreeable and unpleasant personality, for the record.) And now the noticer’s ass is bigger too. God can be like that. What?
Where was I?
Oh yeah. Improving your (my) gym experience.
So someone had to go to the gym tout de suite. (I love using the term tout de suite.) (I love suites.) (And sweets.) (Duh.)
Where was I?
Oh yeah. Improving your (my) gym experience.
Why tout de suite? Here’s an algebraic equation (I think) that explains it better than words:
A + D = G
A = ass size; D = daughter’s wedding in June; G = gym
Sorry about the math. Are you still with me? Please stay. Stay to help me. I really need help. Duh.
It is important for us to come up with ways to improve your (my) experience because it turns out that you have to do things at the gym that are not the same as sitting on the couch watching back-to-back episodes from season three of Weeds.
I've thought of a few. Here they are:
First of all, going to the gym often means getting up early, which is clearly a problem. A cappuccino machine would be an obvious way to improve the gym experience. In fact, a cappuccino machine is obviously far more important than the stupid water cooler often found in gyms. Duh.
Working out at the gym often involves things like repetitions, circuits, and other efforts that take time and energy. This is why there needs to be a barista to operate the cappuccino machine. Duh.
Also? It turns out there are heavy things at the gym. Rumor has it that these things are called weights. And? It turns out that people who go to the gym are expected to pick up these heavy items. I don’t know why. Don’t bother trying to explain it to me. I don’t care. So, obviously, there needs to be a bell captain at the gym to pick up the heavy things when you call down to the desk. Duh.
Are you still with me? Thank you. I promised I’d need help, and you stayed. I love you.
So.
Much like it is at the gym, I can’t be expected to do all of the work. Can you help me think of other ways to improve your (my) gym experience?
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Without compromise
1 year ago
30 comments:
I'm drawing a blank here. I so hate gyms. I do 80 leg lifts a day and call it quits, as far as exercise goes. Too much of a good thing, you know...
Those heavy things can be satisfying. You feel good when you stop.
When did you catch a glimpse of my ass without me knowing it? ;)
Go to the gym with a friend – you lose weight via the ab-crunching laughter caused by the screw-ups each of you make on the damn equipment.
(p.s. the grapefruit isn’t working – it’s giving me acid indigestion)
I think maybe plastic surgery sounds like more fun than all of that stuff. And that's saying something.
I see we have very little time. I'm worried about the "D" in your equation. [I had to Google tout de suite. It means "urgency" or something like that.] I think your (your) gym experience might be improved if you you got one of your wives/husbands to be your workout partner. If you were heading to the gym with your partner, your (your) gym experience would be enhanced if it felt more like a date. Soft, flattering lighting and skinny mirrors are a gym necessity.
I'll keep thinking. Now off the couch and to the gym tout de suite!
Personal shopper. She (or a he with excellent skills that apparently only gay men are allowed to have -- take that one up with God if you like, but I'm just rolling with it) should definitely be able to find you a wonderful dress (heck, several of them!) more than appropriate for a hawt mother of the bride.
Therefore, A + D = PS.
Like my math?
Put your husband, Adam Lambert, in front of the treadmill, just out of reach. Or maybe the guy who got kicked off AI last week, Casey James. I might go a little faster if he was at the other end of the run.
That math is remarkably complex. I don't understand. I thought the only thing equal to the the gym is the devil.
i.e.
The Devil = The Gym
I do believe a sommelier is required at that gym..
and can't do gyms ever since someone said to me why exercise in dirty used air when you can be walking out in fresh air..
a treadmill, with a BIG Norstroms gift card hanging at the end of a stick is about the only thing that would make me set foot in a gym.
I'd like the option to telecommute my gym work from the comfort of my home. That way I could stay in bed and PJs for the work.
Re your equation: "A + D = G
A = ass size; D = daughter’s wedding in June; G = gym"
There is something wrong with your math and I have a similar problem (albeit my kids are too young to be in weddings except as flowergirls). I have concluded that there's a reason why we went to law school: our math stinks!
A really hot (un-straightish) trainer? What? You already have one? Then what are you waiting for? If you don't want him I will take him. I think I need someone to yell at me at the gym. Make friends with Jillian. She kicks major butt. And don't say "Jillian who?"
XO
Can't do mornings at the gym. Evenings are the only way to go.
Remember A+G=a
-Stu
This is PRECISELY why I don't go to the gym! All this time I wasn't sure exactly why I hated the gym, but now you've cleared it all up for me!
Just come up to LA and go on long walks with me. Every day. That will do the trick.
You could wear your bra and undies on the outside of your gym outfit. Then you'll be so busy fielding questions about your sartorial choices you won't even notice that you've lifted everything in sight, several times, and it's already time to go home.
a) I like Jason's plan. I want to take long walks with Jason tout de suite.
b) Take your wife. Your wife's ass? Also bigger. We can find a gym halfway between and meet there during the time I normally sit my ass on my couch and answer emails. Where answer emails mean watch the TODAY show or sleep.
This: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A314kZAOCdw&feature=fvw
I read this whole thing. Twice.
And I did what I often do when someone says something I don't want to hear. I went on vacation in my mind.
What did you say? All I remember is cappucino. Did you even say that word?
Algebra AND a story problem--your blog RULES!
I think signing up to work out with Adam Lambert will make the gym experience easy-peasy for you.
I hate gyms which is why I head to a dojo instead.
Can we talk about outsourcing here? This seems like the perfect work for young people fresh out of school with lots of time on their hands. I think we can agree that it would be far more practical to have them go to the gym in our stead and then report back as needed.
Mornings at the gym = no way. Ugh. Too tired. Must. Go. Back. To. Bed.
Ha! The comments are almost as good as the post! Almost.
My spin instructor always tells us to pretend we're being chased. The trick (I've come to realize) is to make sure that the person you're imagining is someone you don't want to catch you.
I'm a gym rat, so....
Wait. You just stopped reading my comment.
Never mind.
Did you mean to spell "gym," "Jim?"
Because I do not know this word, "gym." But I have lots of ideas about "Jim."
Great, now "Toot Sweets" is playing on the infernal jukebox in my head. Damn Chitty, chitty, bang, bang! Clearly I am not the person to give good advice about the gym but there are a few things that I found to help. Music is an absolute neccessity, having a personal trainer set up a circuit for you to follow is also good, but the thing that really worked for me... sign your kid up for a class. My kids never, ever let me miss a gym day. They played raquetball and I actually lost weight.
I think that if you accidentally pick up one of those heavy things, you might get tired. A room for napping would be ideal. Especially since sleep is limited if you're getting up early in the morning. And naps at the gym would be way better than if you telecommuted -- because when you work from home the kids still bug you. IF you go in, they aren't around to interrupt your post lifting nap.
Gym? What is this thing called "gym"?
Yikes, I better get my ass out on the hiking trail.
I hate the gym, but I'm always glad that I can check it off my list. My motto is: Either you worked out today...or you didn't.
yes, have a guy so good looking you mistake him for God on the treadmill iN FRONT of you
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