I Think I'm in Deep Doo Doo

Laura (who just turned nine) and I were sitting in the car with about twenty minutes to spare before her piano lesson. She had her homework out, but kept stopping to talk or play around.

Me: "Laura, stop fooling around and do your homework. I'm starting to get annoyed."

Laura: "I will have my letter of resignation on your desk in the morning."

***************

One more day!
You have until tomorrow, January 31 at 11:59 PM to leave Laura a
Happy Birthday comment, and enter her Lucky Ducky Birthday giveway.
Laura has loved reading every comment. Thank you!

You Wanna Know What Comes Between Me and My Whoppers?

Over at San Diego Momma yesterday was PROMPTuesday #40.

Deb's prompt:

This week, tell us about your first job. If you want to fictionalize it, all the better.

Over here at Blog This Mom! today is Not-So-PROMPTuesday (aka Wednesday).

My first job:

The lights in front of the camera were very hot. I had on so much hairspray, that I was certain should the temperature in the room increase by even one more degree Fahrenheit, my head would burst into flames. The makeup was heavy on my face. And the jeans were one size too small, as they were on the model for whom I was standing in during this photo shoot. This photo shoot was one from which controversy would arise.

It has been almost thirty years since I spent an entire day slightly bent over with my shirt partly open, while various assistants flitted around me. I held that pose for hours while the photographer’s lighting technicians, makeup artists, and set designers tweaked and adjusted to get it all just so. The model went under the lights and struck the required pose at the last moment, only for the actual picture taking. While I stood under the hot lights, she thumbed through magazines nearby in an air-conditioned dressing room. Her mother stood sentry as the stylist, makeup artist, and hairdresser circled.

The only reason I got the gig was because a friend of mine knew somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody who was looking for the right stand in. It was my first paying job, and the closest I’d ever get to modeling. The only reason that the friend of a friend of a friend suggested me was because back in the day my hair, face, and body were that of a model Brooke Shields and I both had long hair and bushy eyebrows.

So.

Am I telling a whopper? Or. Was my first job actually flippin’ Whoppers at Burger King when I was barely fifteen? And was the only reason I got that gig because I altered my birth date on the required work permit?

You wanna know what comes between me and my Whoppers? Nothing.

(The photo of Brooke Shields and the Whopper courtesy of Google Images. The photo of thirteen-year-old Blog This Mom! holding pom poms is a figment of your imagination, so please forget you ever saw it. Thank you.)

Don't forget! You have until January 31 at 11:59 PM to leave Laura a
birthday comment, and enter her Lucky Ducky Birthday giveway.
The birthday comments are bringing Laura lots of joy,
so thank you for that to those of you who've left them.

How to Navigate the Apple Genius Bar

Has your MacBook Pro screen gone black?

Did the mute button on your iPhone fall off?

Is your iPod frozen while the rest of the globe is warming?

If so, you just might find yourself visiting the Apple Genius Bar. Anyone over the age of thirty will tell you that the Apple Genius Bar can be daunting to the uninitiated. Because I have recently experienced all of the above, I can offer a few survival tips based upon my keen observations.

How to Navigate the Apple Genius Bar

1. Start by giving your first-born child to an Apple Genius. However, by all means, do learn from my mistake. Be sure the Apple Genius who gets to keep your child lives in your city. Sure, the Apple Genius who is keeping your child in another city might be able to do many things by telephone or iChat, but he/she will not be able to fix hardware problems remotely. However, he/she will be able to diagnose problems, and therefore you will be able to approach the local Apple Genius Bar armed with information that will include why Apple should cover the cost of the repair even though you didn’t get the extended warranty. But still, when all is said and done, you can’t help but wonder if your repair wouldn’t have taken nearly a week if you’d turned over your first-born to a local Genius.

2. Be all TolleZenYoda when you approach the Genius Bar with your broken stuff. The Geniuses are tired of old people freaking out on them. I watched it happening on either side of me while I sat at the Genius Bar. Although my laptop boyfriend was unconscious, I only panicked on the inside. On the outside I was TolleZenYoda, and my Genius appreciated it. I could tell by how nice she was when she made promises to me that were later broken.

3. If your laptop breaks, make sure it is a 15” MacBook Pro. When the Genius sees you walk in with that bad boy, you gotta believe that you're gonna get some R-E-S-P-E-C-T because 15" MacBook Pros are what the Geniuses have at home. In fact, that’s what the Geniuses have at the Genius Bar itself.

4. When you bring your Apple stuff to the Genius Bar, bring it in clean. The Geniuses respect someone who has clean equipment. When I brought in my laptop boyfriend, although he was out cold, he was free of the pesky flaxseed that can get in keyboards. The Genius commented that my laptop showed good care, and I was all, “That’s because I love him” and did not mention last year’s granola spilling incident.

5. If you have a full-arm tattoo, multiple piercings, or wear a knit cap, you’ll fit right in with many of the folk behind the Genius Bar. Because I don’t have any of these accoutrements, I had to go with Plan B. Plan B was to bring in a cute child who knows how to use all of my technology products better than I. I had the cute child perch on the stool next to me and play with my iPhone. Geniuses, Specialists, and Concierges alike stopped by to say hello to the cute child and see which applications she liked best. Everyone especially liked it when she played with the iFart application. She selected the fart called “Air Biscuit” to play aloud. Well, everyone who worked at the Apple store liked it, but judging by the disgusted looks from the elderly gentleman seated on my left and the middle-aged woman seated on my right, they did not like it.


6. Assuming that you’ve got the TolleZenYoda thing down pat, but you don’t have a full-arm tattoo, multiple piercings, wear a knit cap, or have a cute child with technology skillz, then try one all of these methods to get the Apple Geniuses to like you:

a. wear an item purchased from shirt.woot
b. drop a random reference to an obscure Star Wars character
c. drop a random reference to a Star Trek episode
d. get a buzz cut, #1 or 2
e. be under the age of thirty

7. When the Genius tells you that luckily the part needed is in stock, and then shows you the part, and then quotes a day or two for the repair and Thursday at the latest, don't throw your iPhone boyfriend when you stop by on Thursday and a different Genius tells you it will be another week because they don't have the part. First of all, your iPhone boyfriend is your only connection to the outside world, so you don't want to break him. Secondly, if your iPhone boyfriend broke (again) it would require another stint at the Genius Bar to get him fixed. And, finally, you should always work and play well with others, especially when the others are still holding your laptop boyfriend prisoner.

8. Last, but not least, if you’re destined to be visiting the Apple Genius Bar on a regular basis because you do not have good technology karma, have good parking karma. Truly good parking karma, as in Pontiff of Parking karma, is when the parking karma just keeps getting better even as your technology karma grows worse throughout the week.

Parking on Monday
at initial laptop drop off

Parking on Thursday
during anticipated pick up of laptop

Parking on Saturday night
during actual pick up of laptop

Now, please excuse us. My laptop boyfriend and I haven't seen each other for nearly a week and we want to have sex.

************
Don't forget! You have until January 31 at 11:59 PM
to leave Laura a happy birthday comment,
and enter her Lucky Ducky Birthday giveway.
Laura has been reading and enjoying
the birthday comments.

************

(Photographs not the property of Blog This Mom! were jacked from Google Images.)

Have You Had Your Obamagasm Today?

Have you had your Obamagasm today? Because I know you had one yesterday. Here, let me help out today, yo:



In other news, my laptop boyfriend is in rehab (aka the back room at the Apple store). I miss him and the access he gives me to the Blogosphere. He is expected to make a full recovery, but it may be a few days. Meanwhile, I am crawling through cyberspace with my old Dell desktop. My hip young monitor and slow cranky desktop don't get along, so everything looks wonky. As a result, I'm not having fun online and I miss my bloggy friends. One would think that with all this free time away from blogging that my house would be clean or that I'd have read a book from the ceiling-high stack on my nightstand, but no. Heh.

In still other news, my car karma remains intact, although I would like to trade it in for Apple karma. Apparently, however, karma doesn't work that way, so I'll take what I can get. When I pulled into the very busy parking lot at the Apple store to check my laptop boyfriend into rehab, my usual spot in front of the store was open and waiting for me as other mere parking-space mortals circled the lot. My kids refer to my parking space (in front of wherever I'm going) as the Pope spot. Even when we lived in Beverly Hills and not even Cadillac One would have been able to find a spot, I'd have a parking spot in front -- with money already in the meter, natch. I may not have a laptop boyfriend (black screen); I'm on my second iPhone boyfriend (a button broke off), and my third video iPod (various issues), but at least I'm the Pontiff of Parking. Also, I turned over my oldest daughter to an Apple Genius, so I get excellent service on all of my broken stuff.



Don't forget! You have until January 31 at 11:59 PM to leave Laura a birthday comment, and enter her Lucky Ducky Birthday giveway. The birthday comments are bringing Laura lots of joy, so thank you for that to those of you who've left them.

Laura's Lucky Ducky Birthday Giveaway

Guess what? Laura loves ducks! Guess what else? Laura is turning 9 this month! Guess what other else? To celebrate Laura's birthday we are giving away one of Gary Rith's ducky mugs! (Also, Deb, I'm totally cheating counting this post as my not so very prompt PROMPTuesday #38: My Awesome Things, because Gary Rith's pottery and his charming blog are two awesome things everyone should check out.)




To win one of these ducky mugs, all you have to do is leave a comment wishing Laura a happy birthday. You have until the end of January, and then we will use a random number generator to pick a lucky ducky winner on February 1!

Why does Laura love ducks? Every flower, tree, animal, and person has important lessons to teach us if we stop, look, and listen. Ducks have important lessons too, and Laura’s interest in ducks gave our family the opportunity to talk about some of them. We would like to share them with you.

Lesson One: After two ducks get in a fight, which never lasts long, they will separate and float off in opposite directions. Then each duck will flap its wings a few times to release the surplus energy that built up during the fight. After they shake it off, ducks make up their minds to float on peacefully. This teaches us that our thoughts about a situation are more important than the situation itself. (I totally shoplifted lesson one from Eckhart Tolle. Heh.)

Lesson Two: When we take to something “like a duck to water,” it means that we learn how to do something very quickly and enjoy doing it. Learning new things and having fun doing it is a good thing.

Lesson Three: When we have our “ducks in a row,” it means that we organize things well. This is a good thing to learn to do in school when we are young. It will help in all areas of our lives when we are old and it gets harder to remember where we put things.

Lesson Four: When we question whether something is really as it seems, we can ask, “Does it walk like a duck? Does it quack like a duck?” If the answers are “yes,” then chances are that it is a duck. This means to trust our instincts when making choices.

Lesson Five: Ducks appear to glide effortlessly across the water, but at the same time their webbed feet are working hard to paddle beneath. It is possible to be peaceful and calm, and still go far.

Count Duckula ~ Halloween 2008

Ducky Pitcher by Laura

From Laura's Rubber Ducky Collection

Visiting Ducks in the Bay Area 2008

Ducks at the Spirits in Stone Exhibition
at the San Diego Natural History Museum

Laura and The Girl in
ducky pajamas, natch

Ducky pancakes are an essential
part of a Saturday morning

Please leave Laura a happy birthday comment and enter the lucky ducky mug giveaway!

_______________

P.S. When you're in the comment section read the incredible story by katydidnot. I just read it and now I am more in love with my wife than I was on the day we got married, if that is even possible.

P.P.S. Laura is really enjoying reading your comments. And she Lovey McLoveys katydidnot's ducky story. She said, "Awesome!"

Wife Number Two Has Been Preselected for my Husband's Convenience

Conversation in the car on the way home from school this afternoon:

Laura: "Mommy, if you had to, would you fight to the death to protect me?"

Me [Thinking "WTF?"]: "Of course I would, that's the kind of love that comes over a mother the minute she has a child."

Laura: "The mother would do anything to protect a child? Even die?"

Me: "Well, if it came to that. But it isn't likely that it ever would, of course. And if it did? [laughing] It would suck for you."

Laura [laughing]: "Yeah, because I wouldn't have a mom. It would suck for Dad too because he'd be a single dad."

Me [I never know when to stop]: "Maybe for a while, but it would be okay if he found someone to marry eventually."

Laura: "No way. I wouldn't let Dad get married again."

Me: [Thinking "Awwwww!"]

Laura: "Unless he wanted to marry katydidnot. I'd totally want him to marry her. Then The Girl and I would be sisters."

Me: "I think Daddy will like knowing that you've made a selection for him. You know how he hates to shop."

************

Kate, if it comes to that, I am sorry, I never did teach Tom to cook or change a roll of TP, but there are compensations. And tell the First Grader that I will bequeath my iPhone boyfriend to him because I know the First Grader loves it as much as I do. Finally, I'm thinking this is the perfect wedding cake for you:




(Pictures courtesy of Google Images.)

PROMPTuesday #37: Book Club

Deb at San Diego Momma is hosting PROMPTuesday #37: Book Club.

This week's prompt: What was the best book you’ve ever read and why? If you’d like to creative this week’s PROMPT up, write your post as a poem, in the voice of the main character, as a review, or a book jacket teaser.




Enduring

When this war is over, the South will give birth
An abundance of cotton will spring from red earth
High in their saddles the gentry will ride
While ladies await them glowing with pride

A confederate victory is undoubtedly close
But no triumph for love, only love’s ghost
Mine will come home to the arms of another
And I, the young widow of my nemesis’ brother

Donning black everyday is rather unbearable
Making that ill-fated marriage all the more terrible
Still, a faint stir developed under my corset tight
When the swarthy dark captain stood by the light

At once I felt dizzy, which he knew and enjoyed
He looked at me and through me; I grew annoyed
Then quivering with feelings I could not name
I knew that he wanted me, and I felt no shame

He tipped his brimmed hat as a gentleman would
And laid eyes on my bosom as no gentleman should
I turned up my chin, my green eyes flashed with ire
But from bonnet to boots, I burned with desire

He walked out of the room with no backward glance
My eyes fixed on the door as if in a trance
“Fiddle-dee-dee!” was all I could say
After all . . . tomorrow is another day.




I would love to know what was your favorite novel and why?


(Picture courtesy of Google Images.)

Good Idea Much?

Who feeds ideas to Santa? I need to know.

Laura got a digital camera from Santa.

Laura took some photos of me and Tom.

Laura also has a photo-editing program on her computer.

Laura is apparently pretty good at using it.

Look what I found on Laura's desktop:



The digital camera? Maybe not such a good idea.

Because? The horns, the green face, the blue tongue, the beady eyes, the clown mouth, and the evil-slanted bushy eyebrows? I can live with all that. But did she have to give me gray hairs?

I must be a glutton for punishment though. After what I've been through this week at the hands of Laura? I still don't want this winter vacation to end.

Tell me about a favorite holiday gift you gave or received to take my mind off the trauma.