What To Do When Your Child Asks For a Lawyer . . . If You're a Man

The other night, Tom and I were, um, shall we say, parentally challenged with our overly tired, emotionally expressive, and almost-perfect-in-every-other-way youngest daughter before bedtime. Ahem.

During the time we spent getting Laura to go bed, she asked for a lawyer. Swear to God.

Afterward, Tom and I were hiding standing in our closet forming an exit strategy talking over the evening’s events.

Tom was visibly sad.

We were discussing important things, like how we can help our child respectfully handle authority figures, how to ensure that she is able to cope with life's inevitable disappointments, and how to foster inner strength and outward cooperation.

In short, we were standing in the closet creating a well-reasoned plan of action so as to positively shape Laura’s psychological future.

Okay. Um. Actually? We were standing in the closet trying to figure out what the hell to do next.

But it was a serious discussion.

[Editor’s Note: The author’s mother-in-law, the author’s children, and Laura’s friend Jackie should stop reading now.]


Tom [looking sad]: “No television tomorrow. I already told her that.”

Me: “Yes, absolutely. Screen time is a no.”

Tom: “What else?”

Me: “I think we should think about what else when we’re calm.”

Tom [looking sadder]: “Good idea.”

Me: “I think we need to have a plan for what we’re going to say and do.”

Tom: “It makes me feel so sad when she has a hard time.”

Me: “You did a really good job with her tonight. It isn’t easy being a parent. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for them, and you know they won’t like it, but you still have to do it.”

Tom: [looks down at my chest]

Me: “Are you looking at my breasts right now?”

Tom [smiles]: “Yes.”

Me: “What the? We’re in the middle of a serious discussion.”

Tom: “I know, but they’re nice.”

Me: “A moment ago you had tears in the corners of your eyes.”

Tom [still looking at my chest, smiling]: “I know, but your breasts are really nice.”