You want to see a miracle? Be the miracle. ~God in Bruce Almighty
If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other? ~God in Evan Almighty
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. ~George Bernard Shaw
No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ~Albert Einstein
Just follow your heart. That's what I do. ~Napoleon Dynamite
I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me. ~Frank Costello in The Departed
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. ~Mark Twain
This is a doughnut stuffed with M&Ms. That way when you're finished with the doughnut you don't have to eat any M&Ms. ~Dr. Rick Marshall in Land of The Lost
I can't control the cards I'm dealt, just how I play the hands. ~Professor Randy Pausch
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. ~Professor Randy Pausch
I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. ~Michael Jordan
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. ~Mohandas Gandhi
To be truly radical is to make hope possible, rather than despair convincing. ~Raymond Williams
The rhyming à la katydidnot is so as not to offend the delicate gender, i.e., the men folk in our family. And to evade Googling pervs. Last weekend, when my youngest brother-in-law strayed within earshot of his wife and I discussing female issues, and the organ that rhymes with flute-or-us was mentioned, his face turned whiter than the cliffs of Dover.
As I ALLUDED to last week, I had surgery to stop a great deal of gleeding from my nerve-hex. The doctor called with the lab results and everything is fine all up in there, i.e., no cancer, which news I was expecting because my last sap schmeer was clear, but I still found myself holding my breath when the doctor said, "Just a minute while I look over the biopsy results." I could hear papers rustling over the phone. Waiting. Waiting. W.a.i.t.i.n.g. Just when I turned blue and began writhing on the floor she said, "Benign."
Meanwhile, I'm in week four damn it FOUR did you get that?FOURfrickingFOUR weeks of gleeding and I’m so sick of it that I want a zeenus. I figure if Chas Bono can get a zeenus, so can I. Can’t I? Why not, yo?
I think before the doctors will give you a zeenus, you have to demonstrate that you have good reasons for wanting one. So I thought of the top ten reasons I want a zeenus, and here they are, presented David Letterman-style, in reverse numerical order:
10. No more shaving my legs.
9. Nobody would expect me to find things in the pantry.
8. Nobody would expect me to find things in the bathroom cabinet.
7. Nobody would expect me to find things anywhere.
6. I wouldn’t have to pluck those annoying chin hairs.
5. No more cramps. Sorry Brother-in-Law, I mean no more gramps. No, that's not good either. No more lamps. Whatever.
4. If my zeenus itched, I could scratch it. Anywhere. Anytime.
3. I’d never have to stick another maxi pad with wings in my underpants again.
2. I wouldn’t even know why they put wings on a maxi pad.
And the number one reason I want a zeenus . . .
1. I’d have an actual shot at more than just an imaginary marriage with Adam Lambert.
What do you think? Will they give me my zeenus now?