Wednesday, December 03, 2008

And Now I Have Papa Smurf Toe

The saga of my big toe continues. And although it isn’t over yet . . . in the middle of the epic tale is a smokin’ hot doctor, complete with green scrubs and a darling scruffy goatee.

Here’s the toe story recap:

First, my big toe turned red.

Next, my toe became green with a "Wicked" case of Elphaba toe. At which point I should never have joked about getting a strap-on toe. I tempted fate.

Now my toe is blue.

It became clear after the long Thanksgiving weekend that despite copious doses of antibiotics and delicious food consumed in mass quantities, my toe was only getting worse. So I went to a foot specialist on Monday, a smokin’ hot doctor, complete with green scrubs and a darling scruffy goatee. And then? Totally humiliated myself. I can never go back there. Not ever. Which totally blows because my shoulder surgeon is part of that medical group, and he’s hot too. You see, although I am often afflicted with various medical conditions, I do have the good fortune of finding hot doctors to see me through the days weeks months years lifetime of suffering I was apparently born to endure.



Dr. Smokin’ Hot Complete With Green Scrubs And A Darling Scruffy Goatee: "We are going to have to numb your toe and remove the nail."

Me: "Wha???? Really???"

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG: "Yes. We must act quickly to save your life, but don't worry, I will save you."

Me: "Are you sure? Seriously? The whole toenail? All of it? You can’t save any of it?"

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG: "The whole nail has to come off so that I can clean out the infected area. The antibiotics aren’t going to do the job alone."

Me: "But I need my husband here. I need someone. No offense, I’m sure you’re very nice. But I need someone I know to hold my hand. I know! Tom D. works here. Can you go get Tom D. for me?"

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG: "Do you know Tom D.?"

Me: "Not very well. But his wife and I are good friends. She referred me here. And my husband’s name is also Tom, so any old Tom will be fine. I’m in a pinch, you know."

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG: "Do you want to schedule this for tomorrow and come back with your husband?"

Me: "No. My husband is really busy today, and he’ll probably be really busy tomorrow. He’s busy every day. I just want to get it over with."

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG: "You’ll need get up on the examination table."

Me: "The TABLE? I have to get up there? I have to be on the table? Are you sure? Wait! Are you really sure you have to take off the toenail? There is no other way? Well, at least you don’t have to remove the toe itself. I told my husband that I was afraid it might come to that, but mostly I was just trying to get his attention. Well, at least it's only the toenail. But really? Are you 100% certain this is the only way?"

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG [smiling]: "I’m certain. Don’t you trust me?"

Me [telling a white lie so as not to hurt his feelings, and think of this: smile with scruffy goatee]: "Well, yes, I trust you. If I didn’t I’d have gone running from the room when you said you had to remove my entire toenail. Well, hopping. I would have hopped from the room."

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG [comes toward me with the first of four syringes with needles so long you could knit an afghan with them]: "First, I’m going to numb your toe completely."

Me: "Wait! I need something else to hold since there are no Toms available. Let me get my boyfriend."

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG looks puzzled. I reach into my purse, pull out my iPhone, and hug it closely to my chest.

Me [hugging my iPhone]: "What? I love my iPhone boyfriend. He comforts me. Okay. You may proceed."

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG looks as though he’s considering calling in a psych evaluation.

Me: "I’m really much braver than I seem. I’ve been through worse things than having a toenail removed. Honest, I have. I’ve had three children and taken the bar exam. Actually? The bar exam was the most painful. That thing took three days. Three painful days. What? Not funny? Sorry. I’ve had to rely on humor to get me through many a crisis in my life. Sometimes I’m not funny though."

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG: "Okay, I’m going to start the injections now, so don’t move your foot."

Me: "Oh my God! You’re really going to do this, aren’t you? You’re sure, right? Yes, you’re sure. You said that. Okay. Go ahead. Also? I babble when I’m nervous. You don’t have to respond or anything. My husband? He’s used to me. He just patiently listens. You’re being awfully patient too. Thank you."

[SOUND OF CRICKETS]

Me: "Owww! Oh! Owww! Eff! Eff! Frick! Frick!"

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG: "You can say the F-word if you want."

Me: "I’d rather not. Not that I’m opposed to the F-word. Owww! Frick! Eff! I use it often enough. Eff! Frick! Eff!"

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG [putting another needle sideways into my toe]: "So why not say it now?"

Me: "Owww! Good question! Frick! Eff! If I opt not to use it this time, a time when I really deserve to use it, then it will offset all the times that I said the F-word without really needing it. This will give me karmic balance."

[SOUND OF CRICKETS]

Me: "What are you doing now?"

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG: "Waiting for the toe to get completely numb."

Me: "Oh my gosh, by all means, please wait for that. I don’t suppose you could put me to sleep? Knock me out! Wake me up when it's time for a pedicure! No? I suppose not. That would be inconvenient. I’d need a ride home and stuff. Okay, we’ll just do the numbing thing. I won’t feel anything, right?"

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG: "You’ll just feel a little pressure. I’m removing the nail now. I want you to look at your toe so I can show you why the nail had to be removed."

Me: "Are you kidding me? I’m not looking. No way. Is it bleeding? Is it green? Look at it? You want me to look at it? Me? Do you want me to faint? Well, I'm already lying down. I’m afraid. Really? I should look? Now?"

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG: "I really do want you to look."

I look at my foot.

Me: "Oh. My. God. Oh. I wish I hadn’t looked."

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG: "But see this [pointing at the horror that ought not be described]? This must be cleaned out and to do that the toenail had to come off."

Me: "It’s BLEEDING! There’s blood all over the place. Why is there so much blood? Oh. My. God. It looks like Dexter was here. Do you watch Dexter? I love that show. I don’t mind the blood on television. I do mind it all over me though. Why did you make me look? Wow. This is a lot of blood. I wish I hadn’t looked."

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG: "The blood is a good thing right now. It will help clean out the infected area."

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG pulls up my pant leg to keep it out of the blood.

Me: "Oh, just leave my pant leg down. I didn’t shave my legs."

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG: "Don’t worry. I won’t judge you."

Me: "Hey, that was funny. You’re funny. How long until my toenail grows back? It will grow back, right?"

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG: "About six months."

Me: "Really? How am I supposed to do things without a toenail?"

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG: "What things?"

Me: "I don’t KNOW. Walk. Run. Wear shoes. I suppose ballet is out. Pedicures too. Not much point in painting nine toenails red for the holidays and drawing attention to the one big bare toe. But at least I have all ten toes. Do I need to come back and see you for a follow up or anything?"

Dr. SHCWGSAADSG: "Only if you have nothing else to do."

Me: "Okay. I do have something else to do. And it's a good thing that I have something else to do because now I’m too embarrassed to come back anyway."

Then Dr. SHCWGSAADSG wrapped up my toe in gauze and covered it with a blue cohesive bandage.

So . . . . now I have Papa Smurf toe.

And? Maybe Santa will bring me a set of these for my toes:

60 comments:

Bunny Bunster said...

Hope your back on your toes again soon!

Janet said...

What would I do without you to make me laugh? I'm wiping tears away LOL!

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

Well, maybe your best post ever, although the one about Jesus, Tom and Hawt Green beans was pretty darn good.
Um. Ick.
::sound of crickets::

Bryce Boe said...

Haha this was excellent. Having lost a big-toe toenail about three times I must say I'm surprised at how well the doctor handled the situation. ;) Additionally it's awesome not having nails as there is no need to cut them and there is always a story to tell when people notice.
Enjoy your 6 months

csquaredplus3 said...

Oh my gosh! When he took it off, I was dieing. I covered my eyes and peeked at the screen while reading. I really did.

You're so brave, and so funny, and your foot is so pretty, even with that honkin' blue bandage on it.

I'm still woozy from the thought of a toe-nail amputation. It's just not right. Dizzy, signing off...

smalltownmom said...

Oh, oh, I am so creeped out right now. Poor you! How long does the smurf hat stay on? You might have to buy lots of sandals. Can you even find sandals in the winter?

BipolarLawyerCook said...

I am horrified that you had to have your nail off and I hope you heal up ASAP, but I am practically ROFL at the way you describe it as I read this. Not good, since I'm at a deposition right now.

Blue Mountains Mary said...

Despite this post making me feel slightly icky in the tummy ...

You also have yet again made me spit tea at the screen.

Thank you darling one - do you know how much a good laugh means to me??

g said...

Oh, wow, what a story. Poor toe! And how awful to go through such pain and trauma, only to have us all holding our sides laughing about it because you tell it so funny.

Heal up quickly.

Threeundertwo said...

You are hilarious. I can't believe he made you look at it. You couldn't pay me enough to look at something like that, and I used to work in a morgue.

Your medical procedure story for the day beats mine.

Ginaagain said...

OMG Cheri! I can't decide whether to laugh or cry for you. What a nightmare this is turning into. Have they figured out how the infection started?

I'm sorry but I think it might be time to buy some birkenstocks...

Sarah J Clark said...

Without any Toms, it's a good thing your boyfriend was there to console you.

Seriously funny stuff, Cheri!

Here's to hoping you have a fast recovery so that Papa Smurf can return to his village!

32 Flavors said...

Gack! I was cringing the whole time I was reading. You're brave for looking...I wouldn't have.

Amber M. said...

Just what I needed today...a dose of Cheri. Hope that toe gets better soon. I just have one.really.important.question.

Was SMHDCWGSAADSG more of a McDreamy or a McSteamy?? I tend towards a McSteamy. Inquiring mind MUST KNOW.

My doctor for my ear infection was old. And decidedly not smokin' hot. Damn.

~Swankymama said...

If the doctor was more like McDreamy, well, I coulda said the F word. :o)

Hope you feel better soon.

Great post!

ms-teacher said...

Sorry about your toe. When I was four my very mean big brother (and I'm NOT being facetious) slammed a door on me. My big toe was the unfortunate victim. According to my mom, it took her and a nurse to hold me down so that the doctor could give me the shots to numb my toe.

Hope it heals fast!

Mrs. G. said...

You know it takes real talent to make an infected toe funny.

Jen on the Edge said...

And you got through this without booze?

San Diego Momma said...

May your toe live long and prosper.

I know that was Captain Kirk and not Papa Smurf, but...

Wait. Was it Capt. Kirk or Dr. Spock?

Was it anybody?

I'll leave now.

Last Place Finisher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Last Place Finisher said...

In response to San Diego Momma:

"Live long and prosper," or "Dupdor a'az Mubster" in the original Vulcan, was a blessing conferred by Dr. Spock. Note that the Vulcan hand symbol that accompanied this blessing was based upon an actual Jewish blessing that priests (Kohans) would bestow on the Hebrew tribes.

Were the Vulcans Jewish? Well, Spock was a doctor....

(I'm embarssed to say that I have attended more than one Star Trek convention.)

ANYWAY - I just love ya Cheri. Just want you to know that in a world confused by fear, hatred, crisis, and uncertainty, your big toe's woes brought me a moment of joy and peace.

Professor J said...

Bless you and your toe.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You laugh, but they make them for the toe--or you can have them do it at the nail salon. I have a friend that does this.

I think you should definitely see him again since he now knows how seriously brave you are.

Steph said...

Um, DOCTOR Spock is a guy who's kind of famous for his advice about babies. MISTER Spock would be the dude on Star Trek, and he was the science officer which doesn't preclude him from being a doctor, I s'pose, but no mention was ever made of it. Capt. Kirk (and crew) referred to him as "Spock" or "Mr. Spock."

Not that I've ever spent hours watching Star Trek or anything.

ANYway, sorry about the toe, Cheri, but honestly? I bet that doctor is praying you're coming in for a follow-up. :grin:

just jamie said...

Good grief woman. I knew you supported the "rainbow" but must you color your body in all the glorious colors?

At least it's December and closed-toe shoes are like, in, right now.

Sam said...

Cheri, I was in agonizing empathy mode while reading your witty repartee with this hawt doc. All witty repartee aside, however, I think you're immensely brave and you're kind of my hero now. No way I could have sat there and had my toenail removed without sobbing. Not just because of the pain, mind you. The profound symbolism of it would have moved me to the core. I do hope you are speedily on the mend now, and no further stripes must be added to the rainbow.

Rima said...

OK, I'm really sorry about your toe and all, and I hope that everything turns out OK, but I was LOL-ing all over the place with this post, and I don't often say that!

Also, you can't beat an infected toe and cute scruffy doctor for awesome blog fodder. Maybe I'll go stub mine, just to see.

Lisa Milton said...

Your poor toe. It will grow back, probably by next summer, but it might be, well, odd for a while.

(I lost one - listen to me, like I'm some vet or something - a couple of summers ago. Not attractive.)

Hope you feel better soon.

katydidnot said...

i'm totally not kidding now. you ready? really, are you? because i'm not kidding.

I SAW PRESS ON TOENAILS AT CVS LAST TIME I WAS THERE.

swear to god.

katydidnot said...

oh yeah, and what caused this?

because i'm afraid i've been ignoring the adolescent boy's ingrown big toenail for far far too long and he's going to lose the whole lower portion of his leg soon.

katydidnot said...

and how in eff is there no photo of the horror under the toe? i want to see! you had your iphone there. and also? next time there's no tom around, call YOUR WIFE.

The Girl Next Door said...

I'm sure this really hurt and was a bad time, but lady, this was the frickin' funniest post EVER in the history of posts. I laughed so hard I snorted my water out my nose. I had to go back and start over.

Kat said...

HAHAHA!!!!
Holy crap you are funny! I bet the doc is hoping you come back. That was probably the most fun he had all week!

I was the same way when I had a root canal done. I am SO SCARED of the dentist and I too use humor as a defense mechanism. My dentist and the nurses were laughing at me so hard that I was afraid they weren't concentrating enough. Ca-razy!

Trannyhead said...

Dude! I totally TOLD you they were going to have to do that. Remember my comment on your original post? I know it's horrifying, now, but really it'll feel much better in a couple of days. Honestly it doesn't hurt after the initial sensitivity goes away. I recommend using the Band-Aid brand sports strips (extra wide) to cover it. One horizontally, then one vertically to keep the band-aid on.

I had to have that done TWICE. Anyway, it'll get better, now.

phd in yogurtry said...

now that is what I call toe-fugh! (poor you) but awfully nice to have a hawt doctor tending to your tooties, no?

Seraphine said...

haha. that's a frickin' funny story! and i'm sure hot doctor gets lots of patients like you.
well, i take that back. you're one of a kind.
love your toe puppet. i'm sorry about your toe. get well quick.
and be sure to schedule a follow-up appointment with hot doctor.
ps. I love Dexter too!

JCK said...

OK, I'm not incredibly squeamish...but, I almost fainted. I am so sorry! How horrible.

My, though, you do entertain. Doctors, your readers....

Jeanette said...

Holy cow, I think I just wet myself, I laughed so hard. I have had to have my Big toenail removed on more than one occassion. (Long stories!) So, you laugh... BUT I REALLY did put on a false toenail for the majority of my nail growing out. It took mine about 9 months to fully come back (maybe mine grow slow or are just so long, who knows). Drop me a line if you want the details on how to make that work. LOVED the post!!

Jonathan said...

Jesus, this was kind of harrowing. Email me pictures. I must have them.

Jonathan said...

Also: Last Place Finisher - Spock was not a doctor, unless you're being funny and making a sly reference to Doctor Spock's book on child rearing - a different, non-vulcan spock. If you're referring to the 2nd in command of the NCC-1701, that'd be MISTER Spock.

Also, I know several pieces of trivia about the Gorn if anyone out there wants to hear them. Hello? Gorn fans?

dkuroiwa said...

First..oh my God! That was just terrible...I am typing with such a look (I'm sure) of "WTF?" on my face.
Second...ewwwwwww!! How on earth did you get something so incredibly disgusting (yet, obviously totally hilarious, after the fact, that is!) under your toe?!?! I'm hoping there will be a post about the "Do's and don'ts of....whatever"!!
Oh...Papa Smurf....not being of the age that actually got into the whole Smurf idea...he was kind of cute!!
Take care, you!

kcinnova said...

Cheri, you have effectively grossed me out AND made me laugh. Before breakfast.
May your toe heal and your nail grow quickly! Oh, and always shave your legs before seeing a doctor. I know the humiliation and it isn't pretty.

(not sure I can stomach breakfast now... and yet, the sick part of me wants to see pictures...)

apathy lounge said...

How did you know that when I was a kid, my sister and I yearned for a Lee Press-On Nails kit. Just the thing to make us appear more grown up and sophisticated. Still, Smurf Toe is so devastating in appearance that even Lee couldn't be of much help. Thanks for my first laugh of the day.

CC said...

Hugs!! Great retell of a horrid event. :(

My mom had her thumb nail removed long ago and she said it was the worst procedure she has EVER had. Worse than childbirth. And she lay in bed moaning for a week.

And she is NOT a wimp.

I'm so glad you at least had your iphone boyfriend to comfort you. :(

Sojourner said...

I was wondering about the wife katydidnot. She definitely shoulda called the WIFE!

Sojourner said...

Oh, and yeah, Spock the Vulcan- Mister- not doctor.

San Diego Momma said...

Thank you for all the Dr. Spock clarification.

I mean Mister Spock.

Or, doctor? I need to re-read the comments

Kellan said...

This was possibly the funniest post I have ever read - it was absolutely HYSTERICAL!!! You crack me up! Thanks for the laugh and oh -- I hope your toe heals soon!!!!

Take care - Kellan

Kellan said...

I stumbled this post under humor - it was BRILLIANT!

Tricia said...

Hilarious! This conversation is absolutely hilarious.

Wishing you a quick regrowth.

Nap Warden said...

Ummm....ouch! On the upside, it makes for great blogging;)

Professor J said...

How are you doin' darlin'? How's the toe?

Burgh Baby said...

I can't decide whether to laugh or cry. Oh my hell. ICK!

Hope it heals fast!

Susan said...

I hate to laugh at your pain, but that was the funniest story! I hope you nail grows back more beautiful than before.

the cheap chick said...

Poor honey. My BFF Larue had her big toenail removed, too - but she was out cold for the procedure.

I hope you feel better soon!

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

This almost. ALMOST compares to what Brian has been through. This is really distubing, but intriguing in a Dexter kind of way.

KEEP BELIEVING

MJ said...

First comment: don't tell doctors that you are a lawyer. They freak out and can't do their job. Unless, that is, you want to intimidate them in which case you casually mention this right at the outset.

Second comment: I lost my big toenail when I dropped a 20 lb plate/weight on it at the gym. It never grew back properly again. I just thought I'd forewarn you that this could occur. It looks tolerable following a pedicure.

OHmommy said...

Oh GAWD.... I am laughing so hard that I am crying.

Awesome. All of it.

Melissa said...

OMG, I'm going for a procedure this morning and your post had me LOL!

I tell you what, I'm cursed the same as you...most of my Dr's are HAWT. In fact, I call one of them Dr. Hottie.

Hope your toes feels better soon.

Laural Out Loud said...

Holy Hell. That totally turned my stomach, and if I wasn't at work, well, let's just say work saved me. That is disgusting! But in a totally wonderfully entertaining way.