Rocky Road

When I was in elementary school, I walked to and from school every day. In Los Angeles. By myself. Ten miles. Uphill. Both ways. In the snow. Like all parents had to do. And if we parents survived walking to school under such under such conditions, surely our children could survive walking much shorter distances in lovely spring weather. I only mention this because for quite some time, Laura has been jonesing for me to walk with her to or from school, citing all manner of reasons from “reducing our carbon footprint” to “getting more exercise.” And I quote. I decided she’s right. It would do us both some good to walk now and then, particularly for me since I’m on hiatus from running with my shoulder being all hurty and stuff. So, one day last week, I showed up at Laura’s school sans automobile. It is a four-mile roundtrip trek, and I walked to school to get her. By myself. Ten Miles. Uphill. All the way. In the snow. The one-way trip home meant that Laura would only have to walk two miles. Downhill. In lovely spring weather. I figured this was totally doable for an eight-year-old kid. And it was doable. For her. For me? Not so much. It did not hurt my feet. It hurt my brain. I had to take a lot of deep breaths. Not from the cardio, but from the mental strain.

Laura: “Where’s the car?”

Mom: “Home. We’re going to walk today.”

Laura: “Cool, I’ve been wanting to walk home.”

Mom: “I know. So here we go.”

Laura: “How far is it?”

Mom: “Two miles.”

Laura: “How many yards are in two miles? I know the answer. Divide the number of feet by three. How many feet are in one mile? I know the answer. It is 5,280. What is 5,280 times two divided by three?”

Mom: “I don’t have any paper or a pencil.”

Laura: “Why do you need paper? Why didn’t you bring your purse? Why do you need . . . how far have we gone now? Is it much farther? Have we gone two miles yet? Have we gone even one mile? Have we? Have we gone one mile or two miles? Mom, are you listening? Have we gone a mile? Mom? Mom? Mo-oooommm?”

Mom: “We’re still in front of your school.”

Laura: “Will we have to cross the street? I don’t really like crossing streets. Will we come to a sidewalk? I don’t really like walking on dirt. Why isn’t there a sidewalk? Why are we walking on a dirt road? Ahhhhh! I see mole holes. I don’t like mole holes. Are there snakes in those mole holes? What if one comes out? Will I see a snake? What if I see a snake? Have you ever seen a snake? What if I see a mole? Will a mole peak out? Why, oh, why are we walking in the dirt? If we don’t walk on the dirt, we’ll have to walk in the bike lane. Don’t walk in the bike lane. Mommy, you’ll get run over. Stay on the dirt. Watch out for snakes and moles, okay? What if I get a rock in my shoe? I think I feel a rock in my shoe. I don’t want to stop to take it out because there might be a snake in one of those mole holes. Ahhhhhhhh! Did you hear that? I heard something in the bushes. I don’t like sounds in bushes. I wish we weren’t walking. How much longer until we get home? Mom? I asked how long it would take to get home. Do we have much farther? How far have we gone? Mom? Mom? Mo-oooommm?”

Mom: “I’d guess we have gone 1/10th of the way.”

Laura: “That’s aaaallllll? Reeeeaaaallllyyyy? It’s hot. It’s sunny. Are you wearing sunscreen? Too bad about the ozone layer. If we had a better ozone layer, would we still have to wear sunscreen? Probably we would not have to wear it, or at least as much of it. I wish we had a better ozone layer. I wish we were in the car and the car didn’t mess up the ozone layer. We should have an electric car that doesn’t damage the ozone layer. I don’t like walking this much. I wish the road wasn’t this long. How long does it take to walk two miles? Are we there yet? It seems so much closer when we are in the car. I wish we were in the car. Then my feet wouldn’t hurt. My feet are starting to hurt. Soon my legs will hurt too. This makes me tired. Why does exercise have to make you tired? Can you call Daddy to come and pick me up? I don’t like walking on this path. Why isn’t there a sidewalk? What if the dirt path runs out and there’s no place to walk? Ahhhhhhh. I see horse poop! Why, oh, why is there horse poop on this path? Is this a horse trail? Why is there horse poop? Why are we walking on a horse trail? I don’t like horse poop. How far have we walked? Mom? Mom? Mo-oooommm?”

Mom: “I’m guessing we’ve walked a half of a mile. That’s one-quarter of the way home. Just don’t look at the horse poop. Look at the pretty flowers instead. Look, there are yellow flowers over there and red ones across the street.”

Laura: “I don’t like flowers. Flowers have bees. I don’t like bees. I’m afraid of bees. I don’t like being outside. I don’t like nature. I don’t like anything in nature. I only like snow. Snow is the only nature I like. Are we going to see any more horse poop? Was that all there is? I don’t want to see any more horse poop. I’m not going to look at those flowers either. Look! Look at those flowers! Do you see what I see? That’s why I don’t want to look at flowers! Bees! I. See. Bees. I don’t like bees. I don’t like nature. I only like snow. Why isn’t there any snow? I don’t like walking on dirt. Oh, look the path is changing to hard dirt. Hard dirt is better. Kind of better. But not that much better. When we get home can I have a Newman-O? I really feel like I need it. I need a Newman-O. Vote for Newman-O's! Newman-O's in 2008! Do I have to take a bath when I get home? I don’t want to take a bath. No way am I taking a shower. If it is a choice between a bath and a shower, then bath because I need to sit down. I. Have. To. Sit. Down. My feet hurt. Are we turning the corner? I thought we weren’t crossing any streets? Are we staying on this side of the street? Mom? Can I please have a Newman-O when I get home? I didn’t eat my sandwich for lunch and I can’t eat it now. Have you ever tried walking and eating? It is too hard to walk and eat. I’ll just have to have a Newman-O when I get home. Can I have three? Can I have three Newman-O's? I don’t like walking. I wish I never had to walk. Mom? Am I going to get to have a Newman-O? Can a Newman-O be President? How much farther until we are home? How much? Are we home yet? Is this home? Are we in front of our house? Mom? Mom? Mo-oooommm?”

Mom: “Laura, honey, you tell me, is this home?”

Laura: “Nooooooo. This. Is. Not. Home. When we will be home? How much farther? Mom? Mom? Mo-oooommm?”

Mom: “We have about a quarter of a mile to go.”

Laura: “Will I have to take a bath when we get home? I don’t just want a Newman-O, I need one. Look! Did you see that? More bees! I am sure I saw another bee. I do not think it was a butterfly. It flew! Something flew! It flew the way that a bee flies. That is why I won’t look at the flowers. Except for Rinoculous. Rinoculous do not have bees. I will only look at Rinoculous. I need to sit down. What I wouldn’t give for a chair. Is there a chair someplace? Can I just sit here in the dirt? If I sit down it will take longer to get home. Never mind, I’ll just keep going. I’ll just keep going with a rock in my shoe. Can I skip the bath? I’ll eat my sandwich when I get home if I can have Newman-O's. Well, I’ll eat half of my sandwich. Only half. Or just a bite. I’ll eat a bite of sandwich and Newman-O's. I have to stop. I have to stop walking. What time is it? Is this our street? Do I see our street? Yes! I see it! This is a beautiful street. I love this street. We have sidewalks on this street. I like sidewalks. I love sidewalks. I like being home. Home. Home. Home! My feet hurt. I’m hungry. I’m thirsty. Walking is hard work. I thought I’d never get home. I’m glad I’m home. I’m glad I’m at my beautiful home!”

Mom: “I’m glad we’re home too.”

Laura: “Mom?”

Mom: “Yes?”

Laura: “Tomorrow can we walk to school?”