Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Script for a Sunday Evening

FADE IN:

INT. KITCHEN -- EVENING

HE and SHE stand at the center island. SHE is holding a DVD case.


SHE
I got the ‘The Secret’ DVD.
We can watch it together.
Our lives will change.
At least that’s what I hear.

HE
(skeptical voice)
Is it about religion?

SHE
(sighs)
No.

HE
Okay.

SHE
Because we both know
what will happen if you watch
something about religion.

HE
What?

SHE
Your penis will fall off.

HE
(laughs)

SHE
And after your penis falls off,
you won’t even be able to
pick it up off the ground.

HE
Why not?

SHE
Because touching oneself is a sin.

FADE OUT:

THE END

Friday, February 16, 2007

Mom of the Year

Conversation after school yesterday:

Mom: "I recorded American Idol, do you want to watch it today?"

Laura: "I kind of want to do an art project."

Mom: "Are you sure you want to use your imagination, develop your talents, and do something creative when you have the chance to watch the Hollywood auditions and see who’s in the top 24?"

Laura: "Well, first I’ll do the art project, and then we can watch American Idol."

Mom: "Just don’t take too long with that art project."

Friday, February 09, 2007

This One's for Aaryn

So, yeah, I watched latest episode of The Apprentice, even though I was previously forced to admit that if I did it would be evidence of a personality disorder on my part.

In the latest episode, Team Arrow won the task and the honor of sleeping indoors, while Team Kinetic was ousted to the tent in the backyard. Aaron was the winning team’s project manager, and this earned him a seat next to Trump in the boardroom. While the benefits of nepotism in the Trump organization sometimes include reality television appearances, The Trumplings (Ivanka and Donald Jr.) were absent this week, and so seated on the other side of The Donald would be Sean, the season five winner of The Apprentice.

I knew that I’d have to out myself for watching the show in order to blog what happened during it, but I took the bullet mostly because I figured that my cyberfriend Aaryn (not to be confused with Trump's Aaron) over at RubySoho would find the following amusing:

The Donald: “Now Aaron, because your team won, you’ll continue to be the project manager. And, perhaps most importantly, you’ll be sitting with me on my right, and you’ll be helping Sean and I make a decision as to who gets fired.”

Tom: “Sean and me.”

Cheri: “Dude, you just corrected the television set.”

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby

When I was three months’ pregnant with Laura we moved into a new home, and by new I mean that it was a forty-year-old home that was new to us. The house lolled on over an acre of land with a variety of mature trees gracing the property. It even had a little creek that meandered along the back of it. The family who lived there before us, and who were to become our friends, had filled the home with love. From the moment that we took possession of that house, the good karma in the air was palpable. Although being pregnant at thirty-nine had its ups and downs, at least I was gestating in a cozy nest.

At precisely nine o’clock on a Friday night early in Y2K, Laura’s imminent arrival made itself known. The scheduled C-section was not for another week, and so what happened was unexpected to be sure. One of our favorite TV shows at the time was Now and Again, and Tom especially looked forward to it each week. I went to the bathroom just before the show was to start. We didn’t have TiVo® back then, and so if I didn’t go before the show started, my nine-month-pregnant bladder would have had to hold it until a commercial break. I finished my business and stood up, which was the point at which amniotic fluid came gushing down my legs.

Tom [calling out from his position in front of the television set]: “It’s starting!”

Cheri [calling back from the bathroom]: “You better believe it is!”

Tom [still calling from front and center of the TV screen]: “What do you mean?”

Cheri [still calling from the bathroom]: “You’re not going to believe this. My water just broke!”

Tom [running into the bathroom]: “Your water broke? What does that mean exactly?”

Cheri [stuffing a bath towel into her maternity pants]: “It means that amniotic fluid is pouring down my legs, the baby is coming, and we have to go to the hospital.”

Tom [drifting back toward the television with one eye looking wistfully at the screen]: “Well, how soon do we actually have to leave for the hospital? I mean, do you really need the amniotic fluid?”

Cheri: “Honey, we don’t have time for me to explain the purpose of amniotic fluid because I’m already starting to feel labor pains. And because one of the very few benefits that a C-section offers is avoiding labor pains, I’d like to go now before they get worse.”

Tom still looked doubtful, so I lobbed in the winning point. I told him that if we beat it to the hospital and Laura was born before midnight, her birthdate and his would be exactly one week apart. Our departure for the hospital was delayed just long enough for Tom to put a tape in the VCR.

As we backed out of the garage, just outside and to the right of the car was a rather bare and scraggly looking tree. I was told that when the prior owner of our home had added an additional single-car garage to the preexisting double one, he took great pains to build the garage and driveway around that tree. And while I’d be the last person to capriciously cut down a tree, I couldn’t help but think that that particular tree might not have been worth the effort and expense to build a garage and driveway around it. In the short time that we’d lived there, the tree had gone from having oddly yellow-and-orange-hued leaves throughout the autumn until winter when it began to take on the aforementioned bare and scraggly state.

Laura was born just over two hours after we left home that night, weighing in at almost ten pounds, another reason this particular C-section turned out to be rather handy. After spending two nights in the hospital, despite that a C-section entitles the insured to a whopping three nights, I begged to be discharged to the comforts of home. And home we went. Tom, who is notorious for his fast driving, was the proud and careful father of a new baby girl. He made us all laugh as the speedometer never broke 10 MPH all the way home. As we entered the driveway, the first thing to catch my eye was that tree. It was in full and glorious bloom. Every branch was laden with zillions of delicate white flowers. That previously scraggly old tree had surely blossomed into a breathtaking welcome-to-the-world greeting just for Laura, and I began to sob aloud at the mere sight of it.The postpartum hormones were probably beginning to blossom too, but at that moment the sobbing seemed to be tree-based. From that day forward, we referred to that tree as Laura’s birthday tree, and each year it would fulfill its mission to bloom in time to commemorate her special day.

2000


2001


2004


2005

In the middle of 2005, we moved again, and to my utter dismay there was no special tree for Laura’s 2006 birthday at our new home. Laura and I decided that we would enjoy the delicate white blossoms on the trees in front of the nearby YMCA, and call those her birthday trees, but it wasn’t the same. And so I went to a local nursery and bought not only a lovely, little birthday tree for our yard, but also a trellised version to grow along the fence near our back gate so that her 2007 birthday would be complete with many a pear blossom.

2007

And so here now is my solemn vow: Wherever our future goals and dreams may carry or keep us, from this day forward, I will always ensure that there is at least one Pyrus calleryana tree in our yard.

Monday, February 05, 2007

About a Girl

And I was worried about her feet getting wet. Courtney has been in London for less than a month and already Hugh Grant is hitting on her.

Courtney and Hugh

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Santa's Baby

Laura can tell you what nineteen to the power of nineteen is. She can tell you the difference between a tonic note and a dominant note. Laura can tell you what each planet in the solar system is made of, the names of every dinosaur and what they eat, and the number of every hotel room we’ve ever stayed in on any given vacation we’ve ever taken. The other day while riding her scooter, she explained to me why she likes the winter solstice (her birthday is in winter), the summer solstice (a longer day in which to ride her scooter), and equinox (because she gets just as much sleep as she gets energy).

Not a fact that goes into Laura’s brain ever gets lost, but then every now and again she says or does something to remind me that while my ability to understand her math homework declines by the week, tucked around that brain of hers is the innocence and wonder of a sweet, little girl. The following conversation took place last weekend:

Laura: “Mommy, on Christmas Eve, Daddy offered me a choice of three presents that I could give to you.”

Mommy: “Oh, he did?”

Laura: “Yes, he let me choose between a really cool clock, a Pirates of the Caribbean DVD, or surround-sound earbuds.”

Mommy: “Oh.”

Laura: “Yes. And, of course, you know that I picked the clock, which turned out to be a really good thing.”

Mommy: “It was a good thing, because I really like the clock.”

Laura: “It was also a good thing I picked the clock because the next morning Santa brought you the DVD and earbuds. If I’d have picked one of those, then you would have gotten two of them.”